i left work today at 4:15 and got to the trailhead at 7:00
and i was only home for 30 minutes in between work and trailhead.
this week sucked. as did the one before. oh yeah, and the one before that too.
thank the good fucking lord that tomorrow’s fucking friday. this shit has got to stop.
This week has just been bitchin’ deluxe.
But we’re into the weekend now baby!
Ridin’ my bike around Deeetroit tonight with 60 of my closest friends, WOO HOO!
I think i need some quiet time.
Just read this sentence online and had to share because it made me chuckle.
“The internet here randomly goes down alot sometimes for a few minutes sometimes for hours.”
You hang onto your pain, like it means something, like its worth something. Well lemme tell ya, its not worth Shit. Let it go.
Infinite possibilites and all he can do is whine.
You can do anything, you lucky bastard, you’re alive. What’s a little pain comnpared to that.
I’m having one of those days, where I’m grumpy and fuckin irritated, and I just can’t figure out why.
I’m just damn sick of everything. Or bullshit. Damn sick of bullshit. Which, on a day like today, is everywhere. I didn’t even have a bad weekend. It was a pretty good weekend, actually.
Maybe I just thought, hoped, that things would be somehow different today. I made accomplishments on Friday. I finally finished a project that was executed well.
So maybe I’d hoped I’d be taken more seriously today. Silly to think, really, that things would change in a weekend. I thought this was the step we needed in the direction of planning. Maybe I’ve finally just realized that all that talk is just all that talk.
Maybe, just maybe, things won’t change. Maybe they can’t. Maybe, I’m looking for something that just doesn’t exist – not anywhere.
Maybe I’m not cut out for this working world I’m in. All the business politics and priorities and action items. Maybe I’d be better off in a role that didn’t involve people. LIke a technical writer or a transcriptionist. There’s a thought – home transcritionist. I could get into that.
And I really don’t want to be responsible for other people’s stuff any more. Everyone else’s stuff is dependent on my stuff. So, if their stuff doesn’t work, I have to figure out why. And that’s getting old. If I wanted to fix that shit, I’d have taken that as a career path.
And to top it all off, I just paid $7 for a shit ass salad from Cosi .. The takeout container was less than 3/4 full, and the bread that comes with it (the best part, in my opinion) is undercooked and doughy ..
*grr* I need to go back to bed and pretend this day never started.
Martha Darling
En 211B
Revised Draft #3
The State Meet
The thought of qualifying for Nationals had never really entered my mind until that day; it was the State Championships. When I had jokingly tossed the idea of qualifying out to my coaches, I didn?t expect them to take me seriously, I guess my coaches had more confidence in me than I had in myself.
?No problem, all you have to do is take your first fifty out in a 29 seconds, and that leaves you 31 seconds for your second fifty.?, Mike, my swim coach, answered as I was nervously awaiting my 100 yard freestyle swim.
I had been nervous and excited all day. This was the first year that I had made it to this meet to swim individual events, rather than just relays. The enormity of the arena only added to my fear and anticipation. The 25 yard long pool seemed to have doubled in size since the last time that I had swam there. I noticed that the six individual lanes looked much wider than ever before. As I was about to warm up by swimming in the dive tank, I thought that it was endlessly deep. My heart started to pound, and my hands started to shake as I looked around the vast auditorium.
There were crowds of people everywhere. All of the movement, chitter-chatter, and different conversations created a monotonous hum which could have served as music in a good suspense flick. The hundreds of spectators cheered from the tall brown bleachers which ran parallel to the pool. Proud coaches yelled from the edges, clipboard in hand, cheering with all their voice for their swimmers in the water. Officials, dressed all in white, scurried back and fourth around the pool deck, and swimmers paced and stretched. Tension was in the air.
I had already swam one relay, and one individual event, and done well in both, but when it was almost time for my third event, the pressure was really getting heavy, and I wasn?t sure if I could hold it anymore.
?Do you really think I can do it??, I asked Mike in a shaky voice.
?I don?t think you?ll have any problems, I know you can do it,? He answered, and with that, I was off to marshaling, where I would wait in line for my event with 20 other nervous swimmers whom I would be competing against.
I could have swam six events in the time I spent in marshaling, and when I looked at the people around me, I could tell that they all felt the same way. I started to think about the race that was ahead, although it only made my heart pound harder. In my head, I saw myself diving into the glass like water. I shivered when I thought about the shock of the cold water. I felt myself swimming smoothly through the water, and I dreamt myself finishing with a powerful time.
After all that time sitting in marshaling, the pace at which we were moving seemed to double in time, and so did my nerves; I could feel the anticipation in my stomach. Before I knew it, a big woman in a white uniform shoved me in front of a starting block. With shaky hands, I fixed my goggles onto my face, and on command stepped up onto a platform that raised me two feet above the ground. I could no longer hear that suspenseful hum that had at one time filled the auditorium. I felt as if everyone had suddenly left, as I could only see the lane in which I would be swimming.
?This is it,? I thought to myself, ?There?s no stopping me now?. My heart was pounding so hard, I almost fell off the block.
?TAKE YOUR MARK?, the official yelled, and the gun was fired.
I was off with the shot. The shock of the cold water was just enough to get me moving. I felt better than I ever had as I was breaking my way through the glassy water. I knew I was swimming to the best of my ability. ?I?m gonna do it, I?m really gonna do it,? I told myself as I powerfully finished my first fifty yards, and the first half of the race. Swimming my third length, I only swam harder, pushing to my final capacity, until I had to make my third and final flip turn that would explode me into my finishing length. I could not feel my heart beating, or my head pounding, or my stomach knotting, or my shoulders aching, or my legs burning, I could only feel desire.
The excitement and anticipation almost turned into tears as I did my last flip turn. One thing that I had always been afraid of had finally happened. I flipped too soon, and my toes hardly grazed the wall as I was about to start my fourth and final length. I swam as hard as I could to make up for it, but I just didn?t have enough left in me.
I dragged myself out of the pool with a sinking feeling in my stomach as I made my way to the dive tank holding back tears. I took extra long cooling down in the tank, for I was avoiding my coaches– I knew that they were disappointed in me. Finally, I had no other choice but to walk over there and face what was coming to me.
I on the skinny bench right next to Mike, solemnly awaiting a scolding, but when I looked at Mike, he was smiling.
?Congratulations!? he said enthusiastically, ?You finished seventh!?.
That was when I realized that it didn?t matter that I didn?t make Nationals, that wasn?t what I was there for to begin with, seventh was good enough for me.
just want you to know. i feel like a big fuck up. everything i touch and everything i do is shit.
i just can’t do things right. everything is shit.
i’m sorry that my fuckups keep affecting you. i feel like i’m in a big black hole that i can’t get out of.
muther fucker.