Fuck. Damnit. Here’s an odd bit of irony. I just spent 20 minutes writing a post about how overwhelming and complex my life has become, and *poof* it is gone. Looked away for a minute to view “My Network Places” (Nick has just gotten WINS working on our LAN), and when I went back to finish my post there was nothing there. Gone, never to be seen again. Poof. So, now I’m going to attempt to recreate what I’d done before.
I know there was something about me being a seemingly “low maintenance” kind of chic to the outside world, but feeling like a “fucking high maintenance” basket case to my inside world. I made reference to my mental breakdown a couple of weeks ago that caused me to rip Nick’s shirt, and break a window (and almost chop off all my hair).
My last few posts have been primarily about my job, and obviously negative. I’ve focused the negativity on people and driving to Indiana, but there’s more to it than that.
I used to be a very simple person. I lived in a small, uncrowded apartment, with a small TV, compact stereo, basic cable, and a dial-up modem. I was used to being poor — driving myself into credit card hell while in college. As I joined the working world, my salary kept increasing, and I moved deeper and deeper into the IT world. My degree is in Health Education (minor in Phys. Ed/coaching). I wanted to help people. I wanted to run an aquatics department or teach about STDs at a health center, work with an AIDS collition or work with “at-risk” teenagers. But alas, those jobs pay 20k per year, and I started at 29k in IT (with a jump to 46k with the first job switch). 4 years later, I no longer have a simple life. Now I have a mortgage, a truck, a boat.. and all the expenses that go with it. And I feel unfulfilled.
The sad state of our society is that you have 2 options — materialistic security or socialogic fulfillment. It is difficult to find (what I consider to be) a meaningful career that pays enough to have a comfortable lifestyle.
Since I’m rambling, I’ll get to the point. At the bookstore tonight (our bi-weekly fix for information and good coffee), I picked up a book about simplifying your life (after thumbing through a variety of cookbooks hoping one would tell me how to cook, clean the kitchen, go to the gym, and still have time to work on a web page or 2 before watching a movie and going to bed without being too exhausted for sex).. so, I’m reading the introduction to this book about simplifying my life (positive that I was going to buy it because it was obviously written just for me).. when I started to think of all the other books I’ve bought — eat better, workout better, swim better, work better, find a career, find a new lifestyle, blah blah — and none have done a damn bit of good. So, I decided that I’m probably not going to get what I’m looking for by spending another 15 bucks to hear what some complete stranger has to say about my life (without so much as the benefit of conversation). That’s when it hit me — the problem is inside of me. I am the problem, not society.
Yes, money is an issue.
Yes, time is an issue.
Yes, those are excuses, because yes, fear is an issue.
Be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. Maybe I’m afraid of the struggle and the sacrifice. Maybe I’m afraid that after the struggle and sacrifice, I might not be any happier. Maybe I’m afraid that I will be happier. I don’t know.. maybe I’m not afraid, maybe I’m just lazy… It makes me tired… I feel neurotic and ridiculous. Shouldn’t I just be happy that I have such a good job? Shouldn’t I be proud of how far I’ve gotten in such a short period of time? Maybe. Probably.
Where does all of this get me? Nowhere for now, I guess.. I’m in limbo. I’m trying to make the best of what I’ve dealt myself… But sometimes its really difficult. A good friend has a life’s motto, “Suck it up or die”.. I guess that’s what I have to do — suck it up, and move on..
