to be or not to be

it is better to be dfl than to dnf

i learned this today .. it was a very difficult lesson to learn, but i learned it …

it was hard .. harder than i’d imagined .. and i wasn’t prepared … i cried .. i made deals with myself .. i dealt with alot of mental shit .. i wanted to dnf (did not finish) .. i wanted to dnf like i’ve never wanted to dnf before .. there was just no energy in my body ..

i had to decide, which would be easier for me to deal with… finishing the race more than an hour past my goal, or not finishing the race at all?

in the end, i finished that damn 48 mile race .. and i wasn’t even dfl (dead fucking last)

i puddle jumped my way through the course … from aid station to aid station … when i got down to 18 miles, i was a breath away from throwing in the towel .. the nice man at the aid station gave me donuts and oranges, and said if i wanted, they could arrange transport to the finish line .. it was tempting ..

the next aid station was only 3 miles away .. i had to see how i felt after the donuts.. i had to give it one final try .. 3 miles, and then i’d dnf ..

so, i headed back out onto the course, and almost turned right back around. i’d sat too long and my legs were cold and sore. thankfully, there was a long, fast downhill not long after i started up… going back meant climbing that hill .. best to keep moving forward, i thought.. its only 3 miles …

3 miles down the course, there was a FIRST aid station — this meant, there were a bunch of EMS dudes with quads, who couldn’t be leavin to take people to the finish line .. the next aid station was said to be 5 miles up — all down hill ..

i’d picked up a pal by now; dan had started cramping early on in the race, and we’d been playing tag most of the day .. dan decided to head for the next aid station.. i followed.. we walked alot (all down hill my ass) .. we picked up a third ..

half way to the aid station, my donuts finally kicked in .. i pulled away from dan and his new pal and forged ahead to the aid station.. when i got there, i saw the sight i’d been looking for all day .. boxes of cliff shots .. and they had chocolate .. mmm ..

so, i’m down to less than 8 miles on this grueling course .. and i’m loaded up with cliff shots, there’s no way i’m not finishing this race now ..

down to 4 miles .. the only singletrack on the course (and fantastically fun singletrack too!!) .. and i start cramping .. so, i pedal a bit more gingerly .. let me just say, my last 4 miles were long and hard .. i was eating goo and drinking endurance drink as much as i could to coax my muscles into bringing me to the finish line .. with just under a mile to go, my legs totally siezed up, while i was shifting my front der to a lower gear (sensing the impending cramps, i thought it best to drop from the big ring and spin a bit more).. so, i couldn’t move my legs enough to shif the gears, and i started to feel chain suck .. if i hadn’t been right by a curb, i would have fallen over sideways on the concrete cuz i was not moving, nor was i getting off that bike …

i pulled myself together, and made my way to finish line, where all my friends were waiting to cheer me on .. and that they did .. i cried.. and then i crossed the finish line.